She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
