I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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