Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
