I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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