You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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