That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
