i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
