At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
