I hate all girls vehemently.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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