I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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