I skipped work to stalk him.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
