Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So much Jack, so little girl.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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