She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Shame - the story of my life.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
