Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
