Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
