I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
