you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
