Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
