Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He passed out mid-signature
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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