Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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