What did we do last night that was yellow?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
