we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
