That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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