Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He felt like a one man threesome
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
