I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
