I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
so much tequila, so little girl.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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