I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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