Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
