all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize