You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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