Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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