so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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