Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
