You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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