Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
