You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
