You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we're making bets on your personal life
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
