Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
