I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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