fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
