You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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