I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
