I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
