I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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