no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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