Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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