I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize