At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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