chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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