im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
