my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
