Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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