Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
