Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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