My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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