Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize