God, you're like boner-b-gone
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
