I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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