in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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