I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
