So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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