Just mADE A PArabola og urine
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
two words: eviction party
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is Oprah even human
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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