listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
