i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
