i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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