I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
