WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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