I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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