apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
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