Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
