Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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