two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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