next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
